“The Heart Mender” is a book that I recently read as a part of my participation in the BookSneeze program by Thomas Nelson Publishers. It’s a pretty cool thing to do, and if you have a blog and you like to read, you might check it out. In exchange for writing a review on a blog, they will send you the book. This book comes with an added bonus because they sent me an extra copy to give away on my blog. Stay tuned for how you can win a copy for yourself!

This book is a good mix of history and great storytelling. In 1942, German subs are dispatched to the Gulf of Mexico to sink U.S. vessels carrying goods and fuel. While taking a late-night walk, Helen Mason—widowed by war—discovers the near-lifeless body of a German sailor. Enraged at the site of Josef Landermann’s uniform, Helen is prepared to leave him to die when an unusual phrase, faintly uttered, changes her mind. In The Heart Mender, a small town must prepare itself for the worst the world has to offer, and Josef and Helen must reconcile their pasts to create a future.

I have been a fan of Andy Andrews’ work since I read “The Traveler’s Gift” and found it so profoundly impacted my life. I must admit, though, that there was always one book I hadn’t really read, even though I purchased it, “Island of Saints.” I’m not really even sure why I didn’t read it, it just seemed at the time that it didn’t hold much appeal to me. Imagine my surprise when, in the author’s notes in the front of the book, I learned this is the same story under a new title. Determined to fulfill my commitment in the BookSneeze program, I was committed to reading it this time. What I found is that it was a hard book to put down and I read nonstop until it was done. It is an amazing story.

Why a book about forgiveness on a leadership blog? Because forgiveness is about second chances. It’s about letting go of the past. I believe as leaders we need to be able to do both, forgive, and give second chances. In leadership roles, we often find ourselves hurt, and unfortunately sometimes we are also the one hurting someone else. That makes this book a great lesson for leaders, and I hope you will read the book for yourself. It has caused me to really evaluate some things in my own life and make some changes.

No Man is an Island

This concept really is a powerful one. The quote comes from John Donne and was written in 1623. He wrote: “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of a continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less…Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

As humans, we are interconnected to each other. The story takes place on an island, which is part of the symbolism in the book. And yet, there is a portion of the book that really spoke to me. It is spoken by Margaret, one of the characters in the book, to her husband, talking about the quote above. It is on page 157 of the book, and says:
“Where is it written that for one person to forgive another, the offender must ask for forgiveness? Where is it written–not in the Bible, for sure–that for one person to forgive another, the offender must deserve it? How about this…where is it written that for one person to forgive another, the offender has to approve it, accept it, or even know about it? …. ‘No man is an island’ if we choose not to forgive. Not to forgive means we yield ourselves to another person’s control–another person’s governing values and his attitudes and actions. We are forced by someone else into sequences of act and response, of outrage and revenge, and you know what? It always gets worse. Our present, when we refuse to forgive, is endlessly overwhelmed by the past. But we become an ‘island’ when we forgive. The act sets us apart from the burdens of people we generally don’t like in the first place! Forgiveness frees the forgiver.

Sometimes we attach our entire lives to the moment we were hurt and allow it to define and consume our very existence. We travel with that hurt–that offense–and brood over it every time it comes to mind. We sleep with it, eat with it. The ‘wrong’ that has been done to us dictates how we speak to our children, our spouses, our friends…Even when those who have mistreated us, abused us, cheated us, or oppressed us…my God, Billy, even when they die, our anger and resentment do not have the decency to do the same! Our hurt continues to live.”

Her husband’s response was a simple one: “Until we forgive. I see it. There is no such thing as managing one’s anger. It simply can’t be done. The only answer is to forgive…and get rid of it forever.”

What powerful words and what amazing truth they hold. So many times we allow those hurts in our lives to impact us, even after the person is long gone. Forgiveness really is for the forgiver, not the offender. What a powerful thought that the simple act of forgiving someone does not rely on them wanting it, asking for it, accepting it, or even deserving it. Yet, to forgive frees us from the hold that the anger has on us.

I am so thankful that this book was a choice for me to read. The message is powerful and one that needs to be shared more often.

How you can win a copy of The Heart Mender
Thomas Nelson has given me a copy to give away here on this blog. To be eligible for our drawing, you need to do two things:
Respond here in the comments section with why you would like to have a copy of the book. Post a link to this blog post to your Facebook or Twitter account. The winner will be drawn from those who participate and will be notified next week. You must post by Sunday, May 23, in order to be eligible.

I look forward to your responses!

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According to a group on Facebook, April 29 is National Pay It Forward Day. What does that really mean? It means simply a time to do something for a stranger somewhere, just do it, as a way of paying it forward. Think about how our world could be different on that day if every single person did that.

Several years ago I saw a show on Oprah about random acts of kindness. It became a thing with me, that I still do today. When I go through a toll booth on a highway, I always pay for the car behind me. It’s just a little something to brighten the day of folks, something done by a total stranger, and something for which nothing is required. While I imagine it made them feel good, it always made me feel awesome. It was just about a little something to make someone’s day where they didn’t even know who did it for them.

Tonight my brother, husband and I attended a concert. As we left the parking lot, we noticed that nobody was allowing any cars to get in the line. We eased out into the line with the help of the parking lot attendant, and joined the long line of cars heading toward the exit and the highway. Along the way there were several cars trying to get out of the parking lots, just waiting for anyone to offer them a break. We decided to do a little experiment. At each entrance, I let at least 2 or 3 cars go in front of me. I imagine there were some folks behind me who weren’t too happy, but those who were allowed to get in the line were sure glad. An interesting thing happened. Each car that was let in then stopped at the next entrance and let someone else in. And on it went. It was pretty fun to watch. Sure, it took a little longer to get to the entrance to the highway, but it was so worth it.

Another idea that is a fun thing to do is to see someone who serves in our military in a restaurant. Get in touch with their server and offer to pay, anonymously, for their meal, with a message that just says “thanks for your service.” Having lived out of the country the last two years, I am so thankful that I now live close to a military base and actually get a chance to do this now and then.

What about your neighbors? See some way you could do a little something to help them out? Don’t ask, just do it. Then watch what happens.

What can you do in a random act of kindness? Will you join me in the next week to find one random act of kindness a day that you can do for someone? I believe after the week, you’ll want to continue. Let’s see how many people we can influence. Enjoy it and I’d love to hear what you did and how it went!

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“What comes first, the compass or the clock? Before one can truly manage time (the clock), it is important to know where you are going, what your priorities and goals are, in which direction you are headed (the compass). Where you are headed is more important than how fast you are going. Rather than always focusing on what’s urgent, learn to focus on what is really important.”

Priorities are important, no matter what aspect of life you’re talking about. Operating on a simple to do list isn’t very effective if you don’t know which things on that list are really important. Without prioritizing those things, the juggling we do feels like we are juggling huge boulders instead of simple foam balls. And when one of those things falls to the ground, it creates a much bigger ripple effect.

Take a look at your to do list. Things are easy to prioritize if you make those lists according to your values. What is most important? What will have the biggest impact? Too often in our attempt to juggle things and get it all done, we neglect some of those things that we say we really value.

I’d like to say juggling all of the priorities in my life is easy and I’ve accomplished it. I haven’t. There are days when I realize that, while I may have gotten all of the “work” done for the day, I haven’t done much with family or friends. Balance in that area is important.

I like to start by looking at my list of values. Then compare that to my list of priorities. Do they all fit within that list of values? If not, perhaps it doesn’t belong on my priority list. I then take that list and put a simple A, B, C to it. A means it is important and urgent and must get done today. The B list are things that are still important and need to get done, and yet if they aren’t finished today, it’s okay. Those things on the C list are my “wish” list of things I’d like to do. This helps as I can attack the A list first, then move to the B list, and if there’s time in the day, I can do some of the C’s. If something doesn’t get done on my B list, I move it to the next day. It’s a simple system, but one that seems to work.

How do you juggle your priorities? What challenges do you have in doing that? Let’s have some dialogue!

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Last week when we talked about what happens when leaders derail is that they sometimes lose sight of their humility. I think it may be fear that causes that, and the puffer fish is a great example of what happens. When a puffer fish is threatened, they swallow huge amounts of water or air, causing them to grow several times their normal size. This allows them, in most instances, to not become prey for another animal. If you take a look at this picture, it also doesn’t make them very pretty. On one of my first visits to Barbados, I bought a puffer fish spine, all blown up, from a street vendor. I was fascinated with how big this little fish had become.

What we need to remember is that being humble is about not boasting or exaggerating our size. We often live in a “fake it till you make it” kind of world, and in reality that’s not authentic leadership. So, I encourage you, don’t become the puffer fish in your leadership style. It may work for the fish, but it’s not only unattractive but usually unsuccessful in leadership.

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It’s a strange thing

The minute you think you’ve got it,
You’ve lost it.

Have you known leaders like this? In leadership, it really is about being humble and adopting that spirit of servant leadership. It’s been interesting lately as I venture into new territories with blogging and the internet world. There are so many experts out there and sometimes it’s hard to know who to follow and who to listen to. It seems everyone is an expert and some appear to be quite full of themselves. For me, those aren’t the ones I choose to listen to. The ones who have my attention are the ones who are focused more on how to build a relationship and less on themselves.

Leadership is rarely about “I” and always about “us.” It’s amazing how things change when you don’t care who gets credit for a good idea or a successful project. Good leaders tend to none of the credit, and all of the blame. If something goes wrong, then it falls to the leader to take responsibility for that. When sometimes turns out awesome, it was the team who did it.

What happens when we begin to think too highly of ourselves? I believe that’s when leaders lose their followers. People generally don’t want to work with or follow someone who believes they have all the answers and know THE only way to do something. They sure don’t want to follow someone who takes credit for everything.

Sadly, the loss of humility can be what causes great leaders to fail. When someone loses sight of the fact that it isn’t all about them, it can create that downward spiral that is described in Derailed: Five Lessons Learned from Catastrophic Failures of Leadership (NelsonFree) by Tim Irwin. (This link is an Amazon affiliate link.) We’ve all seen it and it’s pretty ugly to watch that happen to someone.

Does this mean you should think less of yourself and your skills? Of course not. What it does mean is that you develop a mindset that thinks of others first. It makes it all about your audience, about those around you. One of my favorite quotes is “humility doesn’t mean you think less of yourself, it just means you think of yourself less.” In the end, that really is what it’s about.

How about you? What examples of humility have you seen in leaders? Please share your thoughts here in the comments section.

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All leaders must grow to be truly successful. Sometimes as leaders, we just get too comfortable in what we are doing. We believe we have learned everything we need to be successful, and we stop searching for ways to grow. I don’t think we ever stop learning all we need to learn.

So how do you grow? Here are five tips for ways to grow as a leader:

• Find a mentor. There are many different leadership styles. Seek out someone whose leadership style you admire and ask them to mentor you.  Chances are they will be flattered that you asked. In doing that, remember that the mentor isn’t the one who does all the work in a mentoring situation. Learn what you can and apply it. Without that application, it’s not real growth.
• Books.  Read, read, and read. There are a lot of books published about leadership. Find authors you like and be sure you read their books. My goal for 2010 is to read at least one new book. Again, don’t just read. Be sure you apply what you are reading to begin to have more effective leadership.  Some of my favorites are books by Seth Godin, Ken Blanchard, and Andy Andrews.
• Become self-aware. Really sit down and evaluate your motives in leadership. The best leaders are ones who approach leaders from a servant leadership thought process. Leaders who believe they are there to serve the people  they lead will find a much more productive experience.
• You might want to enroll in a leadership coaching class or seminar. These can be very effective in learning new ideas on how to approach things.
• It is also important to remember that all of this learning doesn’t really help unless you apply it. In Seth Godin’s book “Linchpin,” he calls this “SHIP.” You must ship, get those ideas out there, try them, and see what works!

What things have I forgotten here? How have you found growth as a leader? What are some of the ways you have grown in leadership, personally or professionally, and how did you reach that growth?

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Linchpin: GaryVee from Seth Godin on Vimeo.

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In our study of the ABCs of Leadership, C is for communication. Without communication, we really have no basis for common ground. Communication, by the very nature of its definition (The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior), is a two-way process. Yes, there is such a thing as one-way communication, but is that really communication? Isn’t it really about the “exchange” of ideas and information? I think so.

Every one of us has a different style of communication. How many times have you had a misunderstanding and felt like responding with “You didn’t hear what I meant to say.” We see this in all areas of life. In our personal lives with spouses, family, friends, and in our professional lives with colleagues, peers, and others in our business.

A few years ago, I was introduced to a great tool for improving communication. It is the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It speaks to each person having a primary love language, or the way that we internalize whether someone really cares about us. While the subtitle of the book talks about ways to communicate with your mate, the principles work in both our personal and professional lives.

The book talks about five love languages–quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gifts. While we may operate with all of them, every person has a primary love language, the one that counts the most. The book has a short quiz you can take to figure out what your primary language is. What we tend to do is express our care and concern for others in our own language, instead of figuring out what theirs is and doing it that way. That leads to misunderstandings and others feeling we really don’t care about them. For example, my primary love language is quality time. In my first marriage, my ex’s primary language was clearly gifts; it was how he expressed he cared about someone, and it was how he saw that others cared about him. On the other hand, his idea of quality time was going to a movie. That didn’t equate to quality time for me, and I often had a hard time really appreciating the gifts he would bring me. Today, in hindsight, I realize that it was just his way of showing he cared. I would much more appreciate an hour of someone’s time sitting at a Starbucks talking than an expensive gift. This is probably also why I enjoyed my last boss so much. We could spend hours at a Starbucks brainstorming about business ideas. My husband now has a primary love language of acts of service. He simply loves to do for others. He cooks for me all the time. It is how he shows his love, and I have learned to love that about him. I have also had to learn to accept his way of showing that love and giving.

In the workplace, it’s the same thing. If you know the primary love language of the people you lead, then you can learn to really express your appreciation of what they do and who they are. For example, it won’t do a lot of good to send someone a gift if their primary love language is words of affirmation; on the other hand, telling them, privately or publicly, what a great job they did on a project goes a long way to showing them you care. Be careful, though, to be sure that your communication is genuine. People can spot a fake compliment fast and it negates the words.

My friend has a saying when working with people that goes like this: “Meet them where they are.” I love that saying because it really speaks to leaders understanding that they have to go to the people, not the other way around. Leaders have a responsibility to be sure that what they communicate is clear and authentic. Do this and avoid having to say “You didn’t hear what I meant.”

One of my favorite quotes about communication comes from Anthony Robbins: “To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

What challenges do you face with communication? What will you do today to improve your communication in the areas of your life where you are a leader? I look forward to your comments.

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The dictionary defines the word authenticity as “the quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine.” When we are authentic, we are our “true selves.” The masks come off and we stop trying to be someone we aren’t. Sometimes in our lives, it seems we are pushed into a corner and expected to be something else. I’ve had those times in my life. In the end, however, I struggle with it. I tend to be a “WYSIWYG” type of person. There’s nothing to hide, it is what it is.

In leadership, being authentic is important. It is what builds relationships. It is was creates a connection where people want to be a part of what you are doing. I remember once having a boss who was perhaps one of the most authentic people I had ever met. When he spoke, people listened. He never tried to be someone other than who he was, and it worked. In that instance, it allowed him to build a remarkable business because people love working with someone who is real. I learned a lot in that job.

Then there are those times when we’re asked to not show our authentic self. Can you recall a time like that in your life? It’s not a comfortable place to be, and in the end, I believe it costs us. It impacts how others view us because people can easily spot a phony. It costs us in how we feel about ourself because we don’t like being someone other than the person we were created to be. And in the end, it costs us the relationships and trust we may have built.

Sometimes I think we try to stifle our authentic self by simply trying to tell people what they want to hear. In the end, though, leaders do others a disservice in doing this. Even if it’s bad news, it’s better to be authentic. It builds trust.

One of my favorite quotes about authenticity comes from Andrew Cohen: “The authentic self is the best part of a human being. It’s the part of you that already cares, that is already passionate about evolution. When your authentic self miraculously awakens and becomes stronger than your ego, then you will truly begin to make a difference in this world. You will literally enter into a partnership with the creative principle.”

Think about that. Isn’t leadership about really making a difference? When you tap into that authenticity that is you, there is no limit to what you can accomplish. What will you do to be sure you are applying authenticity to your leadership today?

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